Guild Steersman's Prescience

My Ongoing Attempts To Win Things

2009-07-05T14:52:00.005-04:00

I'm sure you are all aware of the Twitter phenomenon which I have dubbed "Moonfruit Mayhem." Yes, I realize it is an incredibly catchy name, but I must sadly insist you cannot use it as I hold the sole copyright. For those of you who do not know, it is a quasi-contest that picks 10 people to win new Macbook Pros from a pool of all of the Twitter users who put "#moonfruit" in a tweet. You can enter as often as you like each day. The contest has currently announced it's fifth winner. I'd personally love to win, but not at the expense of losing all of my Twitter followers as I surely would if I put out thousands of tweets an hour as some have chosen to. In order to come up with the perfect timing strategy to maximize my chances, I have enlisted the aid of my old ally: the maths. Below are some pictures of the various equipment I'm using to fabricate my hopefully Mac winning algorithm, as well as a page of notes that I judged would not give too much of my work away. I wish all of the people who enter the very best of luck. I can assure you that, as much as I'd like to win, I will not be angry when I don't.
-That is all.

My Question For Jonathan Coulton

2009-07-02T20:49:00.004-04:00

The good people at Popsci.com recently posted a contest where readers can comment on the article here and enter for a chance to win Jonathan Coulton's new DVD "Best. Concert. Ever." Mr. Coulton will read the comments and mentioned that he would like them to be witty. I spent more time than was necessary on my comment, and I feel that it deserves to be preserved forever in a place where I can admire it. The full text of my comment is copied below.
begin quoted text
"Originally posted on 07/02/09 at 3:38 pm

Mr. Coulton, your musical prowess is most impressive, but that is obvious. My question is: would you agree to be frozen so that, in the event of a nuclear armageddon, you could be revived to carry music onto future generations of humanity? If so, would you require that your family also be frozen to keep you company in the future? If the person that was offering to freeze you was me, and I told you that it was a one day offer, could you be at my secret lab this afternoon?
-Thanks"

end quoted text

My cryogenic freezer and I await your response Mr. Coulton.

-That is all

Some Predictions

2009-07-01T15:05:00.009-04:00

It is once again time for some predictions. These predictions require that I summon every ounce of my mental power and sometimes take weeks of meditation to interpret. I will just say now that my methods are my own and are related to mathematics. I do not use the "I Ching", or another magical tome. Methods like those have been shown to be at least vaguely reliable, and I don't want to inadvertently say something that will turn out to be true. Now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way, I can give you my predictions.
1.) Larry King will die before 2009 is over.
2.) Larry King will be resurrected as either a clone, zombie, or artificial imitation, such as a hologram, produced by an elaborate system of pulleys and mirrors.
3.) All hard boiled eggs in the future will look like those in the picture below.
That's right, all oddly shaped with those weird pockets of stinky egg juice that prevent them from being appetizing.
4.) FAMOUS PEOPLE WILL DIE! I'm sorry to have to use all capital letters like that, but this is apparently something that the human race as a whole is not generally prepared to deal with. If we're planning on continuing this whole dominant-species-on-planet-Earth-thing for a while, I suggest we begin preparing now. The only thing that will do is a regular celebrity-death drill. I'm sorry, I'm getting terrible news: Willem Dafoe is dead at the age of 50. What's that? Oh, he's not dead, and he's actually 53. He looks good for his age.
-That is all.

Socotra Island

2009-06-01T21:10:00.009-04:00

- If you haven't already seen the picutres from this remarkable island, I suggest you right your crime now. These pictures are from a tiny archipegalo known as "Socotra Island." Socotra is in the Indian Ocean just off the coast of Africa. Wikipedia calls it "A jewel of biodiversity," but I think a better term would be "Freakishly surrealistic fantasyland." My personal favorite are the "Dragon Trees" which are a source of the once revered compound called "Dragon's Blood."

-End post.

Majestic 12

2009-05-30T21:26:00.004-04:00

- I'm sure you're all aware of the RICICULOUS conspiracy theories relating to the group known as the "Majestic Twelve." Supposedly a secret group setup by President Harry Truman to cover-up evidence of extraterrestrial life after the "Roswell Crash." This is of course preposterous. It is widely accepted that the Roswell craft was a metal-skinned weather balloon, and that the tiny alien corpse was in fact just a regularly-sized alien corpse. The document I post above has been widely debunked and should not be trusted. That is right, I advise you to disregard this document and forget that we ever had this conversation. I will not come to bail you out of prison when you're arrested at 2:00 A.M. on a New Mexico ranch with your homemade Geiger Counter slung over your neck, SO JUST DROP IT.

- End post.

The Strange Habits of Word Order

2009-05-30T16:34:00.003-04:00

- It has always bothered me that certain words in the English language go together. I find it especially odd that these words have, over time, come to require speaking in a particular order. I'm sure your all wondering what exactly I mean, so I'll give you an example: bread and butter. There you have it, not butter and bread: bread and butter. Two words that are inexorably linked by the strange twist of fate that the second happens to taste delicous when spread liberally on the first.

There are some words that have an even stronger bond. Peanut butter and jelly comes to mind. Can you imagine the chaos of a jelly and peanut butter sandwhich? What about, "Can you pass the pepper and salt, dear?"

It occurs to me now that words like these should have a name. What moniker is fitting for these enigmas of the common tongue? Answer: I have no idea.
Put your choice for the new name in the comments (or, alternately, put the actual name if your able to find one that's already in use.)

- End post

Zombie Haikus to Boing Boing

2009-05-29T15:38:00.005-04:00

The wonderful people at "Boing Boing" are requesting YOUR zombie haikus. I know that you internet users fancy yourselves the creative bunch, and I know you never run out of things to say about the undead, so this seems right up your alley.

Post your compositions of five, seven, and five syllables here http://tinyurl.com/zmbiehaiku
Would it help if I added that you could win something? It would. Okay, YOU could win something.

-End post